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General Staff Recognition
Schools National Recognition Week 2004
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School and Home Meet Chaos Rules!
25 August 2004
Former teacher and comedian/presenter, Kerry Cue ponders the role of School Support teams.
If you have ever had a hard day at the office, sit down, grab a cuppa and discover what a REALLY hard day at the office can be like. For there is one group of office workers who, while dealing with global budgets, tax reconciliations and computer software upgrades, have their best 'Best Business Practise' intentions derailed daily by clients who seem to be off in pixie land most of the time. Or Fairyland. Or may be they are fairies. Or they are going to be fairies when they grow up.
For these trained professionals work in a school office. Called Business Managers or Support Staff or just the ladies (mostly) in the office, these workers need some unusual skills to deal with the daily demands. The bizarreness of these demands, however, gives us a rare insight into that comical zone where official school business overlaps with family life (and assorted wild life).
A detailed CV for a School Office worker could look something like this.
Able to deal with the bottom line: Sophie. Grade 1 forgot to wear knickers today. Had to buy some. She wanted pink.
Technology facilitator: Frantic mum arrived at the office. Could I ask Jake, Grade 3 if he had the TV remote control in his bag? He did and parting with it was such sweet sorrow.
Town Crier: The bell wouldn't work. I had to run around several acres of school ringing a hand bell and put up with being called a 'dingaling' for the rest of the day.
Thespian Skills: I sang Rum and Coca Cola in the staff chorus line at the school concert, stone cold sober!
Medical Emergency Co-ordinator: An anxious Dad rang and asked if his son, Lukie, Grade 1, had taken his heart monitor to school for Show and Tell. He had and he was wearing it.
People and Goat skills: A goat got into the schoolyard. Not wishing to be mistaken for an old goat, the principal sent the office staff to corner it until the RSPCA arrived.
Fund Raising Facilitator: Well. No one else would do it. So I was the red M&M for the school chocolate drive.
Substance Abuse Monitor: A frantic parent rang saying their prep child had mistakenly filled their drink bottle with 'Bundy and coke'. I had to quietly get the 'hard liquor' and tip it out. I offered the same service to the principal, but he declined the offer.
Postnatal Care Skills: It was the principal's idea. He wanted to show new parents around the school. So I was left filing records while nursing a 6-week-old baby.
Wild Life Officer: I'm an accredited head lice officer. Lucky me. You spend the rest of the day scratching your head as if you just escaped from 'the Planet of the Apes'.
Arboreal Skills: We couldn't find the Satellite Dish asset number. Guess who had to get up on the roof?
Mortician: I seem to have collected the odd duty of removing dead bird carcasses from the playground. That's the good job. I try and delegate vomit.
Obscure Language Translator: One grade 2 boy said he lost his 'testicles'. Luckily, I didn't make the announcement. He'd actually lost his 'spectacles'.
Sniffer Dog: Somehow the principal got it in her head that I had the best nose in the school and therefore should take on the noble task of sniffing out the location of the deceased possum.
Part-time Herpetologist: One time I looked after a snake in a bag for the Snake Show Man. Then I held a student's pet lizard, while the owner went to the toilet. I felt like answering the phone 'Crocodile Hunter's Office. How may I help you?'
Pluggerette: I had to build up numbers for the great staff Vs Grade 6 footy match. We lost.
Dorothy Dix: I had to consol an 11 year old who was broken hearted because the grade 5 love of her life was moving interstate. She kept sobbing 'Now I'll never find a good man'. That singles market is tough these days.
Fred Astaire: Every Friday morning I'd go down to gym to partner a preppy in dancing class. I felt like Fred Astaire. Unfortunately, 'Ginger Rogers' was a midget.
Surrogate Tooth Fairy: A grade 2 girl came to the office distressed. She'd lost a 'toof' somewhere in the yard. I promised she wouldn't be out of pocket. I'd let the 'toof fairy' know.
Yep! That's what it is like. Wall-to-wall chaos. Just another day in the school office.
©Kerry Cue, 2004
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